A lot of people think Nick Offerman is a pretty cool dude. And for good reason. With his mustachioed face, his penchant for building hand-made canoes instead of paying money, and so on and so forth. Yes, Mr. Offerman is pretty damn cool. But we seldom ask ourselves, where did he LEARN his awesomeness from? You didn't think he came up with that stuff on his own, did you? Please. Many years ago, a small Minooka boy nearly drowned in the Des Plaines river after swimming too far out from shore. A certain Bearded Gentleman happened to be paddling by in a canoe of his own, seeking safe passage to Lake Michigan through which he would ultimately head towards fur-trapping relatives in Canada. The Bearded Man plucked the drowning boy from the frigid waters and paddled him to shore. He would spend the next day teaching a young Nick how to make his own canoes so he'd never be in the same situation again. He gave his boat to the young Offerman then and there, and legend has it that *that's* when Nick sprouted his very first mustache hair. The Bearded Man swam the rest of the way sans boat, ultimately meeting his friends Sebastien and Hagedorn in the wintry north.